Pain and insomnia

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Lying awake at 2 o’clock at night has it’s ups and downs.. My knee and leg is really getting to me lately. Even my “good knee” is starting to hurt, because I compensate so much. It’s a vicious circle.

Then I end up not sleeping at night, because I’m in pain and that makes me worn, agitated and stressed. I try to work out and stick to my physiotherapy program, but my energy level is so low right now.

I get tired and completely worn out from just spending time with my friend Jane. But then when it’s time to go to sleep, my body won’t let me rest. I’m not the only one going through this issue, I know that. Half the time I don’t pay my insomnia much attention, but when dealing with my knee recovery and trying to make sure I do all of my physiotherapy, it gets to me. I’m only human, I get stressed and anxious, tired and fed up.. This too shall pass.

Most of my insomnia is due to knee pain, speculating what my surgeon will say the 9th of March at the consultation and my brain not being able to shut up and power off.

Some nights I don’t mind the lack of sleep, others are harder. When I start analyzing my aches and pains – that’s the worst nights. I can scare myself into a complete panic attack. But it’s gotten better.

I think to myself: Breathe, lie down flat on your back and just breathe. Feel your body slowly relax. Close your eyes and empty your mind of all thoughts. Wash away the negativity by every exhale, repel it and inhale positive. Feel your body slowly relax. Breathe.

Some nights it works, others I’m having to listen to podcasts, watch movies or read books till I just pass out from exhaustion.

Tonight I’m having a good night despite the insomnia. No stressful thoughts or fear of a serious diagnosis due to my pain and inability to bend my leg properly. Tonight I can put these thoughts into words and get all of my messy feelings out of my system.

I’m lucky, I know that. I have a good life, an amazing fiancé, my dog, family, friends and our beautiful home. I’m amazed how much my surgery has drained me though. This surgery isn’t just tough physically, it’s also tough mentally due to the slow recovery. This is rarely mentioned till after surgery though. It sucks, but it will get better, I will get back to normal.

I’m trying to take this whole “recovery journey” one step at a time, not stressing, but it’s freaking hard.. I already pressured my leg so much that it swelled up like a pumpkin once.. So I just try to take these small steps towards my recovery, listening to my physiotherapist, but it’s horribly slow to be honest, too slow for my liking.

I hope everyone reading along, is doing good, keeping safe during this pandemic and has a healthier sleeping pattern than me! Have a great Monday guys, take care and see you online. x

Hospital appointment

Life is messy, right now it feels messier than it normally is. Tuesday the 17th of Nov (yesterday), I had an appointment at Aleris Hamlet in Søborg. It’s a private hospital located in Copenhagen, Denmark.

The orthopedic surgeon I had an appointment with, had to examine my knee that I dislocated a little over a month ago. Denmark got this 30 day rule, to make sure the patients are seen to and helped in the health system before the 30th day. If that cannot be done, you are as a danish citizen in your right to go to a private hospital, on the country’s dime so to say. I really like that we get this sort of treatment, it’s important to have that kind of safety net to rely on. I’m very fortunate and I know that.

The appointment went as I had feared really, I got told that my kneecap is very loose, it’s so loose that I can dislocate it up to a 40 degree angle, which means that I need surgery. I honestly knew that I would need surgery deep down, but it still got to me and it still messed up all my plans for the future, which we will have to postpone until I have had my surgery and have recovered.

I don’t know which type of knee surgery I need yet, there’s a few to choose from, and they need me to get an MRI-scan / Magnetic Resonance Imaging, I got warned that there’s a waiting list, the max amount of time is two weeks though, so I’ll manage I hope..

The orthopedic surgeon told me, that it was highly possible that I would need a bone realignment – also called a Fulkerson Procedure. I’ve read up on the procedure and there’s several different types. But this procedure is by far the most complicated and the one with the longest rehabilitation period, which really scares me shitless to be honest. It’s a messy procedure and the bone needs a long time to heal. The knee can get very stiff and the tendons surrounding the knee could also tighten due to no movement in a long period of time, which will requires a lot of physiotherapy.

I know if I won’t get it fixed, it will lead to early onset arthritis, due to being dislocated again and again. It’s my second time to dislocate my kneecap, because it’s the second time, I need an operation to stabilize my kneecap in the future, but the MRI-scan will show which type I will need.

Walking out of the surgeons office, I felt like crying. I’m anxious to be honest, knees are so fragile and I don’t want to even think about the complications such a surgery have, if something were to go badly.

I’m in a lot of pain right now, I’m currently lying in bed, trying to get some rest, but I can’t seem to. At the hospital, the surgeon needed to move my kneecap whilst I had it bent, so he could determine how loose it was and in which angle it could possibly dislocate and that hurt… It still hurts. I know It’s stupid to get so worked up about an operation, but in all honesty, I’ve never had an operation before and I hate that I need one now. Especially on my knee, I can hardly stand my fiancé even trying to touch my knees due to having my right kneecap dislocate twice.. So the thought of an operation isn’t fun, to put it mildly.

The pain from dislocating the kneecap alone is.. Indescribable! The first time it happened, I ended up going into myself, in a type of shock. The only thing I really remember is being in so much pain that my lips felt numb. After that you start feeling fragile in a whole new type of way! It’s crazy..

So the news I got yesterday weren’t nice, it was what I had expected, but it still made me upset. I hope that I won’t need to wait for several months for the surgery, that would really mess me up, the anguish of waiting a long time.. But I’ll take it one day at a time, now I need the MRI and then the orthopedic surgeon will decide which type of surgery is needed.

I hope you guys are staying safe during this COVID19 pandemic and are healthy and keeping your spirits up. It gets stressful during times like these, one bad thing rarely happens without several other bad things following suit.. It’s said it always comes in threes, but I have personally long surpassed three, I’m on my second hand, and I’m still counting.. The year isn’t over yet! Yep, 2020 haven’t been the amazing year that I had hoped for, there’s been so much pain, loss and worry, but behind every cloud, there’s the sun. Hopefully we all get to feel some sunshine and happiness soon.

I’ll see you online, take care x