Pain and insomnia

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Lying awake at 2 o’clock at night has it’s ups and downs.. My knee and leg is really getting to me lately. Even my “good knee” is starting to hurt, because I compensate so much. It’s a vicious circle.

Then I end up not sleeping at night, because I’m in pain and that makes me worn, agitated and stressed. I try to work out and stick to my physiotherapy program, but my energy level is so low right now.

I get tired and completely worn out from just spending time with my friend Jane. But then when it’s time to go to sleep, my body won’t let me rest. I’m not the only one going through this issue, I know that. Half the time I don’t pay my insomnia much attention, but when dealing with my knee recovery and trying to make sure I do all of my physiotherapy, it gets to me. I’m only human, I get stressed and anxious, tired and fed up.. This too shall pass.

Most of my insomnia is due to knee pain, speculating what my surgeon will say the 9th of March at the consultation and my brain not being able to shut up and power off.

Some nights I don’t mind the lack of sleep, others are harder. When I start analyzing my aches and pains – that’s the worst nights. I can scare myself into a complete panic attack. But it’s gotten better.

I think to myself: Breathe, lie down flat on your back and just breathe. Feel your body slowly relax. Close your eyes and empty your mind of all thoughts. Wash away the negativity by every exhale, repel it and inhale positive. Feel your body slowly relax. Breathe.

Some nights it works, others I’m having to listen to podcasts, watch movies or read books till I just pass out from exhaustion.

Tonight I’m having a good night despite the insomnia. No stressful thoughts or fear of a serious diagnosis due to my pain and inability to bend my leg properly. Tonight I can put these thoughts into words and get all of my messy feelings out of my system.

I’m lucky, I know that. I have a good life, an amazing fiancé, my dog, family, friends and our beautiful home. I’m amazed how much my surgery has drained me though. This surgery isn’t just tough physically, it’s also tough mentally due to the slow recovery. This is rarely mentioned till after surgery though. It sucks, but it will get better, I will get back to normal.

I’m trying to take this whole “recovery journey” one step at a time, not stressing, but it’s freaking hard.. I already pressured my leg so much that it swelled up like a pumpkin once.. So I just try to take these small steps towards my recovery, listening to my physiotherapist, but it’s horribly slow to be honest, too slow for my liking.

I hope everyone reading along, is doing good, keeping safe during this pandemic and has a healthier sleeping pattern than me! Have a great Monday guys, take care and see you online. x

Exam preps

I have thought a lot about this post, also because its been a while since I last posted something on my blog, I have missed writing a lot to be honest and I finally thought of the right post to write, so all of my followers knows why I am a bit quiet on my blog and maybe a little stressed – but in a good and healthy way none the less!

I have been in school the last couple of months, I have had an introduction course to the caregiver education and I have been studying like mad and enjoying life and all its ups and downs. I have not had many downs though, I have worked very hard and I have fewer weekends to myself and my fiancé than I used to have in the beginning of the education course.

I have started working as an uneducated carer at the elderlyhome I was an intern at, I work the weekends that’s available and sometimes its many, sometimes none, it always seems to change and that’s just fine with me. I have been on whats called ”SU” – education benefits in a more simple term I guess you can call it, that’s something we are very lucky to receive here in Denmark, but its a very slim pay, with hardly any money to spend on anything but rent, so I took this job due to finances, but also because I want to keep in touch with the very first place I worked and I have loved that very much.

So I am working during most weekends, at least once a day every weekend, sometimes the entire weekend, that is very giving but also hard, cause of the very little free time I get for myself. This weekend I have two morning shifts, that will be my entire weekend gone, but its okay, I know a lot of people work a lot harder than me and I feel blessed because I have this job to rely on, while I study, it has been a lifesaver and my boss was an angel to give me this opportunity.

All of May have been a real struggle to find an internship. Due to the new education reform, we now have to find our own internships, instead of just getting them appointed to us, they said in mid May on the radio (Danish radio), that it’s very few that get an internship nowadays as a carer or as an assistant nurse. Let me tell you guys, its been a real struggle.. Hard work and a lot of stress have been built up in the month of May, having to focus on education and paying attention to what the teachers taught us, while also having to go to interviews and writing applications for internships – that’s been horrible! But in the end, all my hard work has payed off, I was cheeky and called up a kommune and asked if they could help me and get me an interview, it worked! I had an interview with them, and after about two week I got an internship with them, at a care home close to where I live and after August I no longer have to stress about how many shifts I get at work in the weekends, cause I will get adult internship salary, something that not many have been given, even though we thought that we were all eligible for that. It is a complicated and impossible system, but I thought you just had to be 25 or more to receive adult salary, but unfortunately not. I do not have the answer to this even now, I just know I was one of the few with enough work experience and the proper age. I do think a lot about what this means to my classmates, but I also know that their going to be amazing at being caregivers and together we can help support our elders and disabled.

I have gotten a lot of friends and acquaintances at this education, it has been an amazing experience for me and I would do it all over again, I feel a lot more confident than I did when I first started and now I got some amazing tools to take with me to use during my internship.

The exams are creeping up, next month – July to be exact. I need to have my exam in this main course, so it’s just a regular main exam and then another one in biology / science, which we in Denmark call ”Nature subject”, I’m mostly nervous about the last exam mentioned, cause that is some information you need to remember by heart, to me that is hard. Math has never been my strong side and there is a bit of math in this subject too – but it all comes down to what stuff you get about at the exam and that is something you draw the day before, so you will in total have 24 hours at each exam. I will just do my best, cause that’s all I can do really.

I hope for the very best outcome for all my classmates, cause they have all showed such interest and passion for this education, they all deserve to pass with honors. We need carers that love what they do, just like my classmates do every day, when we have discussions about ethics, moral and dilemmas. We have had some amazing cases that we have worked on and that we have had to discuss in class. In our line of work, we get met by a lot of choices and dilemmas, where our morals will be tested, so far I think everyone have passed with flying colours.

So to wrap it up, good luck to my classmates, to the ones out there reading this post, thats also studying for exams and for the ones looking for internships, you can do it!

With love, Miamariah! x