Pain and insomnia

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Lying awake at 2 o’clock at night has it’s ups and downs.. My knee and leg is really getting to me lately. Even my “good knee” is starting to hurt, because I compensate so much. It’s a vicious circle.

Then I end up not sleeping at night, because I’m in pain and that makes me worn, agitated and stressed. I try to work out and stick to my physiotherapy program, but my energy level is so low right now.

I get tired and completely worn out from just spending time with my friend Jane. But then when it’s time to go to sleep, my body won’t let me rest. I’m not the only one going through this issue, I know that. Half the time I don’t pay my insomnia much attention, but when dealing with my knee recovery and trying to make sure I do all of my physiotherapy, it gets to me. I’m only human, I get stressed and anxious, tired and fed up.. This too shall pass.

Most of my insomnia is due to knee pain, speculating what my surgeon will say the 9th of March at the consultation and my brain not being able to shut up and power off.

Some nights I don’t mind the lack of sleep, others are harder. When I start analyzing my aches and pains – that’s the worst nights. I can scare myself into a complete panic attack. But it’s gotten better.

I think to myself: Breathe, lie down flat on your back and just breathe. Feel your body slowly relax. Close your eyes and empty your mind of all thoughts. Wash away the negativity by every exhale, repel it and inhale positive. Feel your body slowly relax. Breathe.

Some nights it works, others I’m having to listen to podcasts, watch movies or read books till I just pass out from exhaustion.

Tonight I’m having a good night despite the insomnia. No stressful thoughts or fear of a serious diagnosis due to my pain and inability to bend my leg properly. Tonight I can put these thoughts into words and get all of my messy feelings out of my system.

I’m lucky, I know that. I have a good life, an amazing fiancé, my dog, family, friends and our beautiful home. I’m amazed how much my surgery has drained me though. This surgery isn’t just tough physically, it’s also tough mentally due to the slow recovery. This is rarely mentioned till after surgery though. It sucks, but it will get better, I will get back to normal.

I’m trying to take this whole “recovery journey” one step at a time, not stressing, but it’s freaking hard.. I already pressured my leg so much that it swelled up like a pumpkin once.. So I just try to take these small steps towards my recovery, listening to my physiotherapist, but it’s horribly slow to be honest, too slow for my liking.

I hope everyone reading along, is doing good, keeping safe during this pandemic and has a healthier sleeping pattern than me! Have a great Monday guys, take care and see you online. x

Home & health update

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A little sneak peek into our home, I love how it’s turned out, the homemade wooden shelves, our furniture and the constant beautiful natural light that’s always streaming into our dining room and living room. We’ve tried to keep everything a bit rustic with a countryside feel to it and still be true to our own style.

It’s been rough at my last physiotherapy session, my knee hurts like hell and there’s something inside of it that just feels wrong somehow. Like every time I try to bend it, something inside of my knee pinches and I feel this intense stabbing pain. This also happens when I try to stretch my leg out after having tried to bend it.. It kinda feels like something is pinched / stuck inside of my knee, it’s a really strange and scary feeling.

I can’t sleep on my right side at all, my whole right side of my shin is so uncomfortable to sleep on and also my shin is numb, so it’s impossible to sleep on my right side. I feel no nerve improvement at all, I am scared that I won’t regain any feeling back, especially since I haven’t experienced any improvement, not even a little. But if I never dislocate my kneecap ever again, it’ll still be worth it. I just hope that the pain goes, it’s quite hard to live with that stabbing and burning sensation, every time I take a step, try to bend or stretch my leg.

My other leg hurts as well, due to the constant weight I put on it to compensate for my bad leg. It’s an evil circle really and it’s draining both physically and mentally. Right now I’m lying in bed, trying to rest both my knees. One due to surgery and the other due to overcompensation, my good knee feels so sore and uncomfortable. I hope I’ll be able to sleep tonight, but it’s been many months since I had a good nights sleep. Since the accident at work to be honest. It’s complete torture to have a sleep pattern like this and to be woken up due to pain.

My scars look better, but the small one near my knee is atrophic. It itches, burns and it feels really tight. I apply Bio-Oil on all my scars, both morning and evening and massage the scar tissue. But this one scar still causes me a lot of grief. I hope it’ll start to soothe.. The one on the inside of my knee is very discolored still, I hope it will disappear though, but at least it’s not as bad as the one near my knee.

I have an appointment with my surgeon the 9th of March, I hope he can help me figure out what the pain in my knee could be and what to do with this scar. I really hoped it would have been almost invisible, the way I was stitched actually gave me every possibility for the scar to be tiny.

It wasn’t a big or wide scar, so I hope that it’ll heal and look nice and invisible at some point. But I don’t know much about scarring or their healing process. I’ll have to speak to my surgeon and see if there’s still hope for the scar to get thinner and less bumpy. I’m crossing my fingers and hope I won’t need another surgery to remove the atrophic scar.

This shows how small the scar actually was.

The weather has been beautiful these past few days. The sunshine has been a very welcome friend, that I have enjoyed as much as possible. I long for summertime and warm weather, flowers and to be able to pick cherries on our tree in the garden.

What do you miss the most right now? Life pre COVID19? Summer? Traveling? All valid things to miss. Honestly most of all I miss being able to sleep at night, not worrying about my knee and to be able to run and to kneel.. Pretty simple things to be honest, but important.

Hope you’ll have a wonderful weekend and that good things are coming your way! See you online. x